Thanks for being so vulnerable Michael! Your words are ones I needed to hear and I’m sure I’m not the only one! Blessings! God is using you. Just sayin’.
Ahhh, Michael. You shared this push/pull struggle so well. I identify. Sometimes I think this "push/pull" (back and forth) has been the story of my life. Thank you for putting it out here for us. For me. Really. Thank you. I am grateful that this push/pull stuff for me--which I have often perceived as only negative--has begun to morph into a BOTH/AND "slightly positive" dance with myself and God. I smiled when I wrote that--even though I sit/stand/live/walk firmly in this season of sad surprise. Okay. Truth. I'm experiencing the push/pull as I hesitant to hit the post button on this message. Here goes. Thanks for your example. (And thank you for all you've taught me over the years.)
Thank you Joan. It’s a comfort to know I’m not alone in the push/pull. So glad you have pushed through to share your words with the world. They have impacted the lives of so many for the better. 🧡
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and truly confirming what God has been telling me for 40 years. How like God to put my truth and experiences in your writing. I truly wanted to stop reading several times. And only because it was kind of painful. But so valuable, and encouraging, and God ordained for me to read. Thank you. Thank you for key points and words that I know God spoke to me and to others as well, through your writing. For instance, I have this excitement about the great cloud of witnesses. I want to write my book(s) for them. I want to write my novels because God put them inside of me to write. I want to write because it’s working in tandem with Holy Spirit. I want to write because it’s MY worship to God! Thank you for taking the hurt, negativity, selfishness, and power out of my head voice. My head voice that has been holding my hand just inches and away from completely worshiping Jesus. This is the year I finish this book in worship to my Lord Jesus. Thank you again.
Vulnerability leads the way…how you did that so powerfully and messily here, thanks so much, Mike! I can resonate with so many elements of this. Much love, Tim.
Tears of inspiration mingled with holy fire are pouring down my cheeks. You have helped me immensely to process my own fears surrounding writing. The lure to hide dangles a deceptive safety net.
I will be coming back to your heartfelt words over and over in the months ahead as I finish my own story (also decades I’m the making). Thank you for sharing and bearing your soul so beautifully. It means more than you know. ❤️
Tears of inspiration mingled with holy fire are pouring down my cheeks… “what you have to say matters.” I fight the same fears every day. Thank you for helping me process them through the vulnerability of you sharing yours.
I’ll be coming back to your heart poured out on these pages to remind myself that my story matters too. Thank you for sharing your journey so beautifully. It means more than you think it does. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your writing struggles. Being a writer (it took me a long time to think of myself as one, as I haven’t published a book yet). I can identify with some of your struggle. I love to write. I love the way words flow together and make stories. And I love, LOVE how the people populating my mind become real on the page. I’ve been told many times that what I wrote was meaningful and inspirational. And over time, I’ve come to want that that of my writing—to have what I put “out there” mean something.
But I’m also a very excellent procrastinator. Part of that is valid procrastination. I work full time and spend 11 hours of my day either at work or driving to and from work. But the bigger part, the true part of the procrastination, is that I purposely distract myself with other things. Not because I’m worried that my writing won’t reach anyone, but because I’m afraid that it will be successful.
I’m actually terrified of success. Of being seen and recognized.
I’ve been a plus-size woman all my life. It comes with its own unique struggles. I fight constantly with self-image and the fear that people will judge me by the way I look. When I was 13. we moved from Europe to North America, which only increased my challenges. I became introverted and extremely shy. It took many years to overcome the urge to want to be invisible, and even though I’ve learned to be more comfortable in my skin, there are still some things I get anxious about. I dread going to places with large crowds, and standing in front of people to give a speech.
The thought that, if I ever were to publish a book, I’d have to actually go out and promote it, is terrifying!
What is helping me overcome some of these fears is the parable of the Talents. One of the stories Jesus tells is of a master who goes away and gives his wealth to three of his servants to manage. Two of the servants use what they’ve been given, which pleases their master when he returns. The third hides it away. This is the servant that the master gets angry with, because the servant hid the talent.
My fear is that, even though I have this talent of writing, I get bogged down with the “what if I get recognized?”, so I hide it and disappoint my Master (God).
So, how do I balance the two? The fear of success with the fear or disappointing God?
Honestly, I’m still working on that. One good thing that came out of Covid was my interest in resuming my project. During a seven-week Covid lockdown, I’ve unearthed the novel I began writing 12 years ago. I restarted at the beginning, writing with a friend over Skype, and what a journey it’s been! I write about a chapter a month, so the process has taken its time, but I’m on my last chapter as well and I’m sooo excited about it.
I’m also part of a writer’s critique group and their input and encouragement has been invaluable. They also “push” me to write every month, because they want to read what happens next. Their interest in my progress fuels my own enthusiasm about my work. So, when people ask me what I’ve been up to, I honestly tell them about my book. As I talk to others about what I’m writing, my enthusiasm about my project gets a boost. It’s an awesome circle! Especially when people get really excited with me. And that’s why I know that when my Master asks me about what I did with my talent, I can honestly say I’m putting it to use.
Like you, I agree, what happens after, is up to Him. It’s not what happens after that the Master is concerned with (that is in His hands, not mine), but my willingness to use the talents I’ve been given.
Thanks so much for this. How wild it is that the fear of being seen and the fear of not being seen are so similar! I've sometimes thought of publishing under an alias or even anonymously to make the stress of it all easier, but that's still hiding, right? I pray we both find our way into genuine freedom around the words we've been made to write.
Wrote a long comment, had it deleted while being forced to set up a profile and sign in. Oh well. Always cheering for you and appreciative of your meaningful and authentic wordsmithing.
I struggle with similar feelings. What removes the edge for me is remembering my mother. She had many creative endeavors such as playing the guitar, acting, singing, painting, sewing, aikido and sculpting, but she didn't become known for any of it. Certainly if you had asked teenage Kristin, she'd have said "my mom is mostly a stay-at-home mom."
But to use Alan Watt's phrase, she "exuded love as naturally as the sun gives off heat." For THIS she is most remembered. Imagining the best possible impact I could have on the world, I've realized that I couldn't do better than being like her. While I like the idea of contributing ideas/inventions/etc with a positive and widespread impact, that's really just a personal preference. It is about me and my wants - and that's okay! It's a reasonably virtuous thing to want. But in terms of pure, selfless positive impact on the world, I couldn't do better than being like my mom.
This gives me comfort, even though I'm probably more likely to contribute an important idea than to exude love as naturally as the sun gives off heat. I have a lot of love, but my neurotic tendencies keep me from exuding it effortlessly! But remembering this, about my mom, fundamentally reframes the story. Love isn't a competition - like, I don't need to outperform my mother for it to be good. So while I still hope to contribute ideas and disinhibit my exuding of love, my only mandate is to love the best I can.
FWIW I think you naturally exude at the level of my mother - it's a bit different, but related - you exude non-judgement, understanding and wisdom. I suspect this is a common way in which you're experienced by others - it is evident in how your family sees you (esp. nephews/nieces/sister) and how I see people interacting with your posts. Your wise presence is an uncommon gift.
I hope you find channels, such as these books, that can maximize your impact. But I think you've already achieved a rarified level of impact in how you show up to those of us lucky enough to know you. Though in saying that, I feel like I'm just restating your conclusion, just from another vantage point :-)
Thanks Kristin. Your encouragement means a lot. I'm glad you feel the love I have for you and Ben. It's the real deal. I feel your love too. And I'm grateful.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Michael. It takes bravery to be this vulnerable, and I'm impressed--and challenged. And I know you didn't post this to drum up certain responses, but I want to let you know that my husband LOVES this series, and he was bummed when he got to the end of the second book to find that there was no third book. I cannot WAIT to surprise him with it when it's out.
Your voice matters so much. It's a large part of what inspired him to become a writer, and I know he wrestles through these same doubts and fears. So just know that what you're doing has a ripple effect, an impact that you might not see directly.
That's amazing, Kateland. What a gift to hear your husband was inspired to write in part because of something I wrote! That's a gift I will long treasure. Thank you!
This speaks to my personal experience in a major way. I have been producing artwork for 40 years now, and while I always get positive comments and awed responses when I show my work, I have had almost no tangible success when it comes to financial support. They love the work, but no one is interested in furthering it with recognition or purchases, no matter how small. The fact that I could furnish an entire gallery with nearly 40 years of original work is a testament to the fact that I am so driven to create it, regardless of financial success or failure.
I have come to feel that any work that is truly inspired by the coaxing of one's own soul, spirit, inner guidance is going to be shunned by the world. Something in this realm appears to enjoy destroying whatever we make, and that always makes me resist and fight harder to create it. The god of this world doesn't seem to be the one that I serve, and I'm okay with that. I would venture to guess that your chosen title, the Sojourner, hints at your understanding that we really don't belong here, although our time here can absolutely assist others who are struggling. Understanding this and not using it as a cudgel to pummel myself with over the years has been a lifelong undertaking and is often forgotten in moments of self-pity. It's hard won knowledge and I continue to struggle to believe it.
I think one of the reasons I love your books so much is the hero's journey of genuine spiritual yearning that permeates them. I feel at home in that world in a way I never have in this one. So thank you again for your vulnerability, your spiritual honesty, and your willingness to share all that in spite of your fears. It's an inspiration to all of us who care to see.
Wow Michael, this really hits. The idea of two conflicting voices locked in combat for 40 years...I think this may be the very raw essence of the human experience on this planet. It sure makes me think of my teaching career. Pouring yourself into a kid's life only to overhear him making fun of your shirt. Or spending 45 minutes to an hour making deeply thoughtful comments on an essay, only to find it in the trash can before class is even over. Every morning I woke up thinking I was doing the Lord's work, and every evening I wondered why God was punishing me. Hard not to feel completely isolated and useless most of the time. People would say, "But you're having such a powerful influence on these young lives" and I would think, "Oh really? I bet my paycheck they won't remember a thing I ever said (but they'll sure remember that day my fly was open the entire class period)." I think you nailed it though: you have to sing the song God gave you to sing, and trust Him to make the impact. It's just so damn hard to remember that! And often times not too terribly comforting, either.
Regarding the sharing of your posts with other people, I struggle to think of people in my orbit who would appreciate your work. It's not that your work isn't fantastic--it is! It's more that I find it increasingly difficult to find people who are willing to sit with an idea and ruminate on it. It's kinda like the book club everyone joins, but then no one ends up actually reading, or finishing, the book. Everyone is so busy with their hectic lives, and not willing to add more commitments. I dont know...definitely need to spend more time thinking about this. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, and trusting us with its contents. Love you man.
Thanks Ron. I've also thought about the huge obstacle our current culture presents to deep thought and deep art. Pop culture isn't really culture at all, as you know. Just a veneer with no substance beneath it. But most of the people in my world have been conditioned to live at a pace that only has room for that sort of rapid-fire dopamine-hit shallowness that passes these days for "creative content." I wonder if part of the courage we as artists must embody is the courage to reject the alleged inevitability of that fast-paced banality and actively invite other people into a different kind of conversation. Of course we can't force other people to slow down. But I think our art can act as a signpost and an invitation to step out of the madness and into a different kind of conversation, one that actually leads to something real and meaningful.
That's what I'm really hoping the novels do. They are literally (and literarily) a portal fantasy, where the main character steps out of our fast-paced world and enters a world that is deeper, and richer, and more real!
Thanks for being so vulnerable Michael! Your words are ones I needed to hear and I’m sure I’m not the only one! Blessings! God is using you. Just sayin’.
Thank you Cheryl.
Wow. Thank you.
Ahhh, Michael. You shared this push/pull struggle so well. I identify. Sometimes I think this "push/pull" (back and forth) has been the story of my life. Thank you for putting it out here for us. For me. Really. Thank you. I am grateful that this push/pull stuff for me--which I have often perceived as only negative--has begun to morph into a BOTH/AND "slightly positive" dance with myself and God. I smiled when I wrote that--even though I sit/stand/live/walk firmly in this season of sad surprise. Okay. Truth. I'm experiencing the push/pull as I hesitant to hit the post button on this message. Here goes. Thanks for your example. (And thank you for all you've taught me over the years.)
Thank you Joan. It’s a comfort to know I’m not alone in the push/pull. So glad you have pushed through to share your words with the world. They have impacted the lives of so many for the better. 🧡
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and truly confirming what God has been telling me for 40 years. How like God to put my truth and experiences in your writing. I truly wanted to stop reading several times. And only because it was kind of painful. But so valuable, and encouraging, and God ordained for me to read. Thank you. Thank you for key points and words that I know God spoke to me and to others as well, through your writing. For instance, I have this excitement about the great cloud of witnesses. I want to write my book(s) for them. I want to write my novels because God put them inside of me to write. I want to write because it’s working in tandem with Holy Spirit. I want to write because it’s MY worship to God! Thank you for taking the hurt, negativity, selfishness, and power out of my head voice. My head voice that has been holding my hand just inches and away from completely worshiping Jesus. This is the year I finish this book in worship to my Lord Jesus. Thank you again.
TONI! That's so great. If I can, you can. Let's do this!
Looking forward to the rest of the story, however long it may take.
Thank you, Alyssa. I'm excited to share it!
Vulnerability leads the way…how you did that so powerfully and messily here, thanks so much, Mike! I can resonate with so many elements of this. Much love, Tim.
Thanks Tim!
Tears of inspiration mingled with holy fire are pouring down my cheeks. You have helped me immensely to process my own fears surrounding writing. The lure to hide dangles a deceptive safety net.
I will be coming back to your heartfelt words over and over in the months ahead as I finish my own story (also decades I’m the making). Thank you for sharing and bearing your soul so beautifully. It means more than you know. ❤️
Thank you Jamie. The struggle is real. I feel ya. But if I can push through it, so can you. Let’s do this!
Tears of inspiration mingled with holy fire are pouring down my cheeks… “what you have to say matters.” I fight the same fears every day. Thank you for helping me process them through the vulnerability of you sharing yours.
I’ll be coming back to your heart poured out on these pages to remind myself that my story matters too. Thank you for sharing your journey so beautifully. It means more than you think it does. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your writing struggles. Being a writer (it took me a long time to think of myself as one, as I haven’t published a book yet). I can identify with some of your struggle. I love to write. I love the way words flow together and make stories. And I love, LOVE how the people populating my mind become real on the page. I’ve been told many times that what I wrote was meaningful and inspirational. And over time, I’ve come to want that that of my writing—to have what I put “out there” mean something.
But I’m also a very excellent procrastinator. Part of that is valid procrastination. I work full time and spend 11 hours of my day either at work or driving to and from work. But the bigger part, the true part of the procrastination, is that I purposely distract myself with other things. Not because I’m worried that my writing won’t reach anyone, but because I’m afraid that it will be successful.
I’m actually terrified of success. Of being seen and recognized.
I’ve been a plus-size woman all my life. It comes with its own unique struggles. I fight constantly with self-image and the fear that people will judge me by the way I look. When I was 13. we moved from Europe to North America, which only increased my challenges. I became introverted and extremely shy. It took many years to overcome the urge to want to be invisible, and even though I’ve learned to be more comfortable in my skin, there are still some things I get anxious about. I dread going to places with large crowds, and standing in front of people to give a speech.
The thought that, if I ever were to publish a book, I’d have to actually go out and promote it, is terrifying!
What is helping me overcome some of these fears is the parable of the Talents. One of the stories Jesus tells is of a master who goes away and gives his wealth to three of his servants to manage. Two of the servants use what they’ve been given, which pleases their master when he returns. The third hides it away. This is the servant that the master gets angry with, because the servant hid the talent.
My fear is that, even though I have this talent of writing, I get bogged down with the “what if I get recognized?”, so I hide it and disappoint my Master (God).
So, how do I balance the two? The fear of success with the fear or disappointing God?
Honestly, I’m still working on that. One good thing that came out of Covid was my interest in resuming my project. During a seven-week Covid lockdown, I’ve unearthed the novel I began writing 12 years ago. I restarted at the beginning, writing with a friend over Skype, and what a journey it’s been! I write about a chapter a month, so the process has taken its time, but I’m on my last chapter as well and I’m sooo excited about it.
I’m also part of a writer’s critique group and their input and encouragement has been invaluable. They also “push” me to write every month, because they want to read what happens next. Their interest in my progress fuels my own enthusiasm about my work. So, when people ask me what I’ve been up to, I honestly tell them about my book. As I talk to others about what I’m writing, my enthusiasm about my project gets a boost. It’s an awesome circle! Especially when people get really excited with me. And that’s why I know that when my Master asks me about what I did with my talent, I can honestly say I’m putting it to use.
Like you, I agree, what happens after, is up to Him. It’s not what happens after that the Master is concerned with (that is in His hands, not mine), but my willingness to use the talents I’ve been given.
Thanks so much for this. How wild it is that the fear of being seen and the fear of not being seen are so similar! I've sometimes thought of publishing under an alias or even anonymously to make the stress of it all easier, but that's still hiding, right? I pray we both find our way into genuine freedom around the words we've been made to write.
Wrote a long comment, had it deleted while being forced to set up a profile and sign in. Oh well. Always cheering for you and appreciative of your meaningful and authentic wordsmithing.
Thanks so much, Eric. You remain a constant inspiration to me as a writer. Thank you!
I struggle with similar feelings. What removes the edge for me is remembering my mother. She had many creative endeavors such as playing the guitar, acting, singing, painting, sewing, aikido and sculpting, but she didn't become known for any of it. Certainly if you had asked teenage Kristin, she'd have said "my mom is mostly a stay-at-home mom."
But to use Alan Watt's phrase, she "exuded love as naturally as the sun gives off heat." For THIS she is most remembered. Imagining the best possible impact I could have on the world, I've realized that I couldn't do better than being like her. While I like the idea of contributing ideas/inventions/etc with a positive and widespread impact, that's really just a personal preference. It is about me and my wants - and that's okay! It's a reasonably virtuous thing to want. But in terms of pure, selfless positive impact on the world, I couldn't do better than being like my mom.
This gives me comfort, even though I'm probably more likely to contribute an important idea than to exude love as naturally as the sun gives off heat. I have a lot of love, but my neurotic tendencies keep me from exuding it effortlessly! But remembering this, about my mom, fundamentally reframes the story. Love isn't a competition - like, I don't need to outperform my mother for it to be good. So while I still hope to contribute ideas and disinhibit my exuding of love, my only mandate is to love the best I can.
FWIW I think you naturally exude at the level of my mother - it's a bit different, but related - you exude non-judgement, understanding and wisdom. I suspect this is a common way in which you're experienced by others - it is evident in how your family sees you (esp. nephews/nieces/sister) and how I see people interacting with your posts. Your wise presence is an uncommon gift.
I hope you find channels, such as these books, that can maximize your impact. But I think you've already achieved a rarified level of impact in how you show up to those of us lucky enough to know you. Though in saying that, I feel like I'm just restating your conclusion, just from another vantage point :-)
Thanks Kristin. Your encouragement means a lot. I'm glad you feel the love I have for you and Ben. It's the real deal. I feel your love too. And I'm grateful.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Michael. It takes bravery to be this vulnerable, and I'm impressed--and challenged. And I know you didn't post this to drum up certain responses, but I want to let you know that my husband LOVES this series, and he was bummed when he got to the end of the second book to find that there was no third book. I cannot WAIT to surprise him with it when it's out.
Your voice matters so much. It's a large part of what inspired him to become a writer, and I know he wrestles through these same doubts and fears. So just know that what you're doing has a ripple effect, an impact that you might not see directly.
That's amazing, Kateland. What a gift to hear your husband was inspired to write in part because of something I wrote! That's a gift I will long treasure. Thank you!
Excellent post, thank you for sharing.
This speaks to my personal experience in a major way. I have been producing artwork for 40 years now, and while I always get positive comments and awed responses when I show my work, I have had almost no tangible success when it comes to financial support. They love the work, but no one is interested in furthering it with recognition or purchases, no matter how small. The fact that I could furnish an entire gallery with nearly 40 years of original work is a testament to the fact that I am so driven to create it, regardless of financial success or failure.
I have come to feel that any work that is truly inspired by the coaxing of one's own soul, spirit, inner guidance is going to be shunned by the world. Something in this realm appears to enjoy destroying whatever we make, and that always makes me resist and fight harder to create it. The god of this world doesn't seem to be the one that I serve, and I'm okay with that. I would venture to guess that your chosen title, the Sojourner, hints at your understanding that we really don't belong here, although our time here can absolutely assist others who are struggling. Understanding this and not using it as a cudgel to pummel myself with over the years has been a lifelong undertaking and is often forgotten in moments of self-pity. It's hard won knowledge and I continue to struggle to believe it.
I think one of the reasons I love your books so much is the hero's journey of genuine spiritual yearning that permeates them. I feel at home in that world in a way I never have in this one. So thank you again for your vulnerability, your spiritual honesty, and your willingness to share all that in spite of your fears. It's an inspiration to all of us who care to see.
From one artist to another, Bonnie, thank you. Your words are life to my soul.
So well said with such perfect vulnerability. Thank you for continuing to teach me via your own path and growth. Truly honored to know you.
Thanks Nicholas. :)
Wow Michael, this really hits. The idea of two conflicting voices locked in combat for 40 years...I think this may be the very raw essence of the human experience on this planet. It sure makes me think of my teaching career. Pouring yourself into a kid's life only to overhear him making fun of your shirt. Or spending 45 minutes to an hour making deeply thoughtful comments on an essay, only to find it in the trash can before class is even over. Every morning I woke up thinking I was doing the Lord's work, and every evening I wondered why God was punishing me. Hard not to feel completely isolated and useless most of the time. People would say, "But you're having such a powerful influence on these young lives" and I would think, "Oh really? I bet my paycheck they won't remember a thing I ever said (but they'll sure remember that day my fly was open the entire class period)." I think you nailed it though: you have to sing the song God gave you to sing, and trust Him to make the impact. It's just so damn hard to remember that! And often times not too terribly comforting, either.
Regarding the sharing of your posts with other people, I struggle to think of people in my orbit who would appreciate your work. It's not that your work isn't fantastic--it is! It's more that I find it increasingly difficult to find people who are willing to sit with an idea and ruminate on it. It's kinda like the book club everyone joins, but then no one ends up actually reading, or finishing, the book. Everyone is so busy with their hectic lives, and not willing to add more commitments. I dont know...definitely need to spend more time thinking about this. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, and trusting us with its contents. Love you man.
Thanks Ron. I've also thought about the huge obstacle our current culture presents to deep thought and deep art. Pop culture isn't really culture at all, as you know. Just a veneer with no substance beneath it. But most of the people in my world have been conditioned to live at a pace that only has room for that sort of rapid-fire dopamine-hit shallowness that passes these days for "creative content." I wonder if part of the courage we as artists must embody is the courage to reject the alleged inevitability of that fast-paced banality and actively invite other people into a different kind of conversation. Of course we can't force other people to slow down. But I think our art can act as a signpost and an invitation to step out of the madness and into a different kind of conversation, one that actually leads to something real and meaningful.
That's what I'm really hoping the novels do. They are literally (and literarily) a portal fantasy, where the main character steps out of our fast-paced world and enters a world that is deeper, and richer, and more real!
Thanks for your thoughts!